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Charlotte’s story
Constipation, withholding and fear of pooing became a vicious cycle for three-year-old Charlotte*. Mum Amy* felt ‘like a failure’ – until she found reassurance and practical help through ERIC. Here, Amy shares her story of how ERIC turned things around for the family.
Our daughter Charlotte is bright, strong-willed and articulate. She’s sensitive and tidy– she comes home from nursery as clean as she went in!
Unfortunately, she suffered for a long time with constipation, withholding and a fear surrounding poo. When she was three and a half years old and still not potty trained, I really started to panic.
I was so worried about Charlotte, as was my husband. It began to take over my life. I read so many books, listened to podcasts, spoke to anyone that I could to try to find “the answer”. Charlotte was starting school in the September and I was concerned about her being “the only child in nappies”.
A vicious cycle
At around 6 months old, Charlotte started solid foods. That’s when we first had issues with constipation. We probably didn’t sort this as consistently as we should have, looking back, as we were worried about her being on medication. This meant that Charlotte had a few periods of constipation that led to her passing very hard, difficult stools. She would stand up to have a bowel movement - we passed it off as a “quirk”.
Over time, after having several difficult-to-pass poos, Charlotte became reluctant to do a poo and started withholding her stools. We thought potty training would help, in case her standing up to poo was making things harder.
Around age two, Charlotte did a poo on the potty. It petrified her. She developed a real fear surrounding poo. When she did a poo, she would scream for us to get it off her and take it away. This meant she started to withhold even more, which led to more difficult bowel movements, leading to more fear. It was a vicious cycle.
I wanted someone to give me something to do - something that would help alleviate her worries and fears. Charlotte not being toilet trained wasn’t what bothered me... What bothered me was how worried and distressed she was whenever we even mentioned potty training to her.
I felt like a failure
I felt like a failure – like we had done everything wrong. Despite ensuring Charlotte had a good diet and drank plenty, we just couldn’t seem to eliminate the constipation completely. And even when we did sort the constipation with medication, Charlotte was left with a lingering fear of pooing.
When she was three and a half years old and still not potty trained, I really started to panic. We had held off because of her fear. We tried so many different things and nothing worked. Her fear of pooing outside a nappy began to extend to weeing outside a nappy.
Charlotte absolutely refused to potty train. She was so reluctant. She was fearful of the whole thing, and fearful of having sore bowel movements. We tried not to pass our stress on to her but, undoubtedly, she picked up on it.
I needed help to help her
I spoke to whoever I could about our problems, but often felt judgement from people who would tell me how quickly their little ones had potty trained. Some books made me feel like I had totally missed the boat with Charlotte’s potty training and convinced me that her situation was solely down to my own “bad parenting” or failure to “put my foot down”.
Other people would simply tell me: “Don’t worry - she’ll get there.” It was kind and well-meaning but didn’t help the situation at all.
I wanted someone to give me something to do - something that would help alleviate her worries and fears. Charlotte not being toilet trained wasn’t what bothered me. If it were just a case that she was being lazy with it, I wouldn’t have minded. What bothered me was how worried and distressed she was whenever we even mentioned potty training to her. I needed help to help her.
I spoke to an advisor who reassured me that I wasn’t alone and that none of this was my fault. They made me feel as though there was an answer and that we would get there.
ERIC reassured me I wasn’t alone
I heard about ERIC through a Facebook group for mums. Through email and the Helpline, I spoke to an advisor who reassured me that I wasn’t alone and that none of this was my fault. They made me feel as though there was an answer and that we would get there.
The lady I spoke to gave me practical ideas to try, and this made me feel like I was being proactive in helping my daughter. They broke the potty training down into manageable steps for Charlotte.
Over the coming weeks, we followed the advisor’s recommendations – including on how to make her less scared of poo by looking at the poo in her nappy and talking about it positively, saying things like: “Wow! What a great, soft poo that is, Charlotte!”
We took Charlotte out of nappies and told her to ask for a pull-up when she needed to poo or wee. She took this really well, with no accidents!
We started encouraging Charlotte to poo upstairs, then in the bathroom standing near the toilet, then on the toilet wearing a pull-up nappy. It took a while but she did really well. We then started undoing the sides of the pull-up, then putting the pull-up across the seat for her to wee/poo onto and we eventually moved the pull-up further down the toilet bowl.
One day, Charlotte just jumped onto the toilet and did a poo without even asking for the nappy! I can’t quite believe how quickly we progressed using these steps. Once she conquered her fear, she flew through toilet training. All in all, it took about two months.
We couldn’t be more relieved
Now, Charlotte is almost four years old and she’s toilet trained day and night.
Charlotte is still reluctant to use unfamiliar toilets but she’s doing really well with this and uses the toilet well at home and school.
Charlotte started school in pants, using the same process as at home, where she asked for a pull-up to wee and poo in. School were amazing at supporting us with this. Within just a few weeks, Charlotte was completely toilet trained in the day.
Since toilet training, Charlotte has not needed any more treatment for constipation. For the first time since she was around six months old, we haven’t had to give her any laxatives regularly. It has been such a weight off our minds, and we couldn’t be more relieved.
ERIC’s support was invaluable and I’d encourage others to contact them. Having someone to speak to who understood what we were going through was such a relief. I wish I’d got in touch sooner.
*Charlotte and Amy’s names have been changed.
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